Back to my Roots: Finding my place in music again

90BRO and Max Gavins of RuMaz with myself at The Grove's Exit festival

Music has played a pivotal role throughout my life. 

It's so much more to me than just something to put on the background while tidying, or to get ready for a night out or whatever a regular relationship with music involves.

When I say music saved my life, I mean it in a very literal sense. I heard a certain lyric while a step away from suicide when I was 17 and it completely changed my perspective that night. 
But actually, it's more than just a case of life saving. It has always felt very much like my purpose and almost entire reason for being. 

In the words of Joe Budden, "I hold music in such a high regard that to this day I still feel like it's destiny", but the following lyric also rings true "and to the fans that I once gave my life for, I've got to admit that there's not much left in me."
 
In 2012, I started this blog, writing about music that I loved and quite quickly developed from a hobby to distract from my depression into a relatively successful platform that would lead to freelance opportunities across the industry and eventually a full-time career. 

I became fairly influential within my local music scene in Newcastle, particularly within hip-hop and grime. I was responsible for a good chunk of artist's first reviews, interviews and radio plays as I expanded into broadcasting while at University too. 

When I landed a dream job as a Team Assistant for BBC Introducing I began to immerse myself more into the wider local scene. The job meant I couldn't do as much blogging and general freelancing and was less directly supportive of musicians, but quite proudly played a part in pushing them in a bigger system. 

Somewhere in the middle of that I came out publicly as gay and while most people were supportive - I've dragged my fair share of musicians to Newcastle's pink triangle over the years - there were also several instances of homophobia I endured. Some of it casual, ignorance rather than intention, but also plenty of it purposeful and direct.

It was difficult realising that despite all the blood, sweat and tears I'd put into music and the local scene especially, that for some my sexuality discredited all of that. In some other instances, it was often down to my own internalised homophobia. I knew I was gay when I was 13, but it took til I was 26 to tell people properly. I still wasn't comfortable with myself when I told the world, so even the smallest of slights cut deep. 

And then, I left Introducing to a different part of the BBC and it lead to an identity crisis. Dealing with my sexuality was much easier than working out who I was now I didn't work in the music industry. I didn't want to discuss my exit because it wasn't the happiest and what use was I to musicians now anyway, now I had no way of platforming them? 

It was a deeply unfair view of the North East music community, but I really felt like if I had no use then I had no place. I had friends, but I could never be sure if they were bothered about me or what had become pseudo influence. On the flip side it also bruised my ego to just be a fan. For nine years, I had an opinion - a respected opinion for the most part. I'm not sure I had it in me to go to a gig and just enjoy the show. 

In a lot of ways, working in music helped a lot with my social anxiety at gigs. Being able to discuss blog reviews and radio plays, ask about future projects and offer advice helped fill awkward silences. Without that, I didn't know who I was and certainly didn't know what I would talk about. 

A lot has changed since then. A global pandemic and local promoter controversy all but killed off Newcastle's live music scene, but it's great to see the likes of Little Buildings and The Grove lead the rebirth. It's also been exciting to watch from afar the emergence of The Peevie Wonders and Victor Ray among others. 

On a personal level, between time healing all wounds and a good course of therapy, I feel better within myself than ever. 

I've been itching to get back for a while. I've dipped my toe in a few times but now I have the confidence to dive back into the deep end. Yes, this blog is back, but it's just the outlet. Pun fully intentional, I'm going back to my roots. 

I've spent my Easter weekend in and around music and while I have adored the performances of Shakk, NE-O, RuMaz and Sweets - the sense of community at those events and reuniting with old friends? Priceless.

I don't care if nobody reads this and I won't make a penny from it, I'm back to supporting music for the love of it. I dream of working in music again one day, but if I am just a fan now then so be it. 

Music and it's communities define me, but the industry, homophobia and anxiety don't.